I’m embarrassed to admit I have done this every day since Wednesday.

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Remember on Wednesday I posted about the INSANE day I had with my husband?! (Click here if you missed it) Well I have to admit something. Maybe you will think I am totally normal or maybe you will think I am a total FREAK, but regardless, I made a promise to always keep it real when I write so here I go.

At least once a day, since I found my husband passed out unconscious and bloody on the floor, I look at my him and start crying. No really. It is the weirdest thing too. It’s like a random uncontrolled burst into tears kind of thing. I can’t help it. In that moment, when I found him…when he wasn’t responding to my screaming for him to wake up, I thought he was dead. I really truly did. My brain totally went to the worst place ever. My strong Faith? Out the window. My clear-thinking thought process? Gone. All that kept running through my brain was that he was dead. He had a seizure and died. He had a brain aneurysm and died. I really didn’t know what happened. I just felt like my life, our life, was flashing before my eyes in those few minutes. You see this stuff happen on the news all of the time. Bad, sad things happen ALL OF THE TIME. They have even happened to people I love.

But the thing is, the worst did NOT happen. So why am I having such a hard time emotionally getting past it? Like I have had these bad nightmare flashback visuals, it’s awful. He and I have had these beautiful talks about our marriage, our family, our love since Wednesday happened, but no different than before really. The funny thing is though, since I had Breast Cancer six years ago, I really feel like we both make SUCH an effort to appreciate life, each other, our family, EVERYTHING… that I really didn’t think I could actually appreciate him anymore. Boy, was I wrong. I’ve hugged him more the last few days. I’ve looked at him a little differently…and it’s not just the broken nose and stitches. 😉

wedding2It has made me so super reflective. Super grateful. Full honesty, I’m kinda a goob and I normally do this thing where I might be driving and it’s a beautiful day and I tell God…”Thank you for this.” or “Thank you for that” but good gravy, you should hear me this past week. God must be up there, thinking…alright already, I got it Cindy. YOU ARE THANKFUL. lol I think about how much I love my husband. Like OUT OF CONTROL looooove him and you can gag away, lol, but it’s true. However, don’t confuse that with oh look at me…we have a perfect marriage, cus come on now, that’s not reality. Nothing is perfect but the love I have for that man…it’s pretty darn close.

Maybe I will get back to my happy normal self soon but maybe I like the even better glasses for which I now see him.💖

XO Surviving Mommy

 

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10 Comments

  • Hope says:

    ……because you love him !!! **HUGS** & you got a brief glimpse at what COULD have happened !!! Keep the “grateful” going !!! Every day is a gift !!!

  • Regina Ice says:

    Oh my goodness, sweet CindyLooks, I almost started crying with you! Of course you cry! It was a very traumatic event and you must process it, and grieve. I know exactly what it is, when Madie was diagnosed with her cancer and was so sick. When you believe a loved one is dying, all logic goes out the window! It will take a while to heal and get to a good comfortable “new normal”, but you will. Be kind to yourself. Hugs and love!!!

  • Jerrye Lail says:

    Cindy, this was a harsh shock to your system – physically and emotionally…You will get back to a new normal in time…But for now, just be thankful that the dear sweet man in your life is here with you and very much alive…Enjoy the extra hugs, heck even a few extra kisses, but always remember how precious your life is…And as you said, thank God whenever you want…I am a constant prayer person…I say a prayer when I see someone is hurt, sick, having surgery, have problems with life – whatever…I also say a prayer when I am reminded of any person who is a friend or relative…So I am including Momma Jane already…I will now add you and all your sweet family to my prayer list…Sending gentle hugs, love, and prayers your way…

  • Eliza says:

    Completely a normal reaction…it’s a traumatic event and impacts your emotion and psychologically wellbeing in an intense way. I am just SO glad he is ok. The emotional part of it will get better…but honestly I think this is so beautiful because what an opportunity to again find ways to truly appreciate those around us. This is kind of what working in the hospital does to me on a regular basis so I get it. Hugs to all of you!

  • It’s times like these where you are either super grateful for what you have or you never get there in the gratitude department at all. And, it would have been time to reflect on WHY the gratitude isn’t there as it should be. I doubt that whatever happened with Eric this week was supposed to be a “wake-up” call. But it certainly doesn’t hurt to treat it like one. You are VERY blessed to have a good husband. So many of us out there have never known and may never know what you have. And life is a precious gift, one that should never be taken for granted. It’s ok to show Eric your gratitude and love for him. It may even have caused him to reflect on his life as well….something too many of us claim to be too busy to do until it is too late.

  • Taylor says:

    I’m soooooo grateful Eric is okay!!! When Glenn shattered his wrist, he hit his head pretty hard and we are so grateful it wasn’t worse. So thrilled you two found each other and your love is so deep! 💪❤️😘

  • Kim says:

    I think it’s perfectly normal!!! In the past few weeks you’ve had alot going on with the people you love most!!! I would be a basket case!!!!

  • Michele says:

    Cindy,
    You are so very fortunate to have such a strong love for your husband and him for you! It’s almost like a fairytale. I know it’s not perfect but you are always so positive and that reflects onto others around you! I consider you a friend through this site and I truly enjoy reading your posts. You are one in a million! God Bless you and your sweet family!

  • Megan says:

    So sweet and wonderful! Hearing this makes me more grateful as well!

  • Jennifer says:

    I don’t think that’s weird at all!! Ive been doing that for about a month now. I had a dream that I was in the hospital on a bed rolling me down the hall and my husband says… They’re testing you for cancer. Let me say… I sat up straight in my bed and cried. He was already awake and asked what was wrong and I told him my dream and that I loved him more than he will ever know!! I think he held me for at least 15 minutes while I cried and tried to explain to him just how much I loved him, how much he meant to me and how sorry I was for not showing it a little more everyday!! I love him and make sure I tell him daily, kiss him daily, hold him just a little tighter now. You never know what Gods plan is so certainly don’t take life for granted!!

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