What divorce looks like in my house.

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Many moons ago I got a divorce and it kinda sucked. Yep. I kinda sucked. He kinda sucked and divorce well, that definitely sucked. lol I don’t share many details because truthfully, that is between me and him and it’s in the past. But here is something I will share…today, we are good friends. Really! But we weren’t so much in the beginning. That being said, we always made it about our daughter Lily and we NEVER made it about a fight or about us in front of her. We didn’t really even fight necessarily, we just didn’t really have any sort of any relationship. Lily was so little at that time but never knew any of this because thankfully, we always uplifted each other up in front of her. So how did we get a friendship again?

It all started when I got diagnosed with Breast Cancer over five years ago. I was already well into my relationship with Eric (my now husband) and my previous husband (we’ll just call him PH, lol) and I were casual acquaintances, at best. When I was doing chemotherapy for my Breast Cancer, Eric gave me a book to read during chemo called The 4:8 Principle by Tommy Newberry. A quick, short read but WOW, did it change my life. At that moment, I just decided to focus ONLY on positive, good and joyful things in every aspect of my life. That way of thinking has become a huge part of Tattoomy life. Joy or as my tattoo says, La Joie De Vivre aka The Joy Of Living. I called PH the night after I read the book and said, “I’m sorry, please forgive me and please tell me what I need to do to make this better.” He said the same to2015-07-25 17.45.04 me and that was it. Forgiveness. It was like a light switch for us both. Crazy!

Since then, we’ve done Halloweens, Thanksgivings, Christmas and all sorts of other dinners and many things… ALL together. He and my husband Eric even get along swimmingly. Most people in our lives think the whole thing is a little wacka-doodle-doo and sure, maybe it is, but it totally works for all of us. A few years ago, PH decided to move to Los Angeles (my hometown) to pursue his career and find his own joy. My old friends were sweet enough to welcome him and help him out in his new city! Although he doesn’t live here anymore, he and Lily Facetime all of the time and when PH comes back to visit, he stays with us. Yep. In our house. I have to give major props to my husband Eric for being the man that he is because this couldn’t and wouldn’t work for everyone. It was kind of like an unspoken agreement with us all, it’s about Lily, her well-being and her happiness. Nothing else. And yes, it is just that simple.

PH was here all week and Lily had a total blast! We all ate together, prayed together, rode bikes together and just hung out. For us, it’s “our normal” and I thank God every single day for it!

XO Surviving Mommy

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

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19 Comments

  • Lisa says:

    I get this. My new husband would go camping with my ex husband and his new wife , it’s all for the child he needs to know we all love the same and he can come to any of us any time

  • Marie says:

    Very cool! So many people who divorce carry such bitterness about the situation and whatever had happened. Glad everyone was able to put aside their own baggage for the sake of Lily. Awesome.

  • Rachel Placek says:

    Wow! That’s an amazing testimony to what God can do through your life by choosing joy and forgiveness over anger and bitterness. I am really impressed by this. I’ve been off and on reading your posts on FB and what not but I never knew this about you. Thanks for sharing this, life really is too short to hold onto grudges. I needed this reminder and will probably read the book you listed.

  • susanchaffin says:

    It is wonderful that you two can have a decent relationship together. For your daughter that is the way it should be. Good for you two and keep up the fine example for both of your girls.

  • Katherine G says:

    I’m going to have to pick up this book. I think it’s awesome that you all found away to work things out. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you all. Your baby knows that you all love her which is the most important thing.

  • Janet says:

    Wow! What a wonderful story. Cindy, I have enjoyed you from the first day I heard you on STAR 94. I remember you announcing your pregnancy and how excited you sounded. Then I remember the sadness in your voice when you announced your divorce. I always wondered whatever happened to PH, but knew it wasn’t my bees wax.
    Cancer has a profound affect in many ways. Praise God to you and PH for putting Lily first, and praise God to Eric for having the love, faith, and wisdom to bring PH into his world for the love of a child and her mommy. Your little family is quite special! May God continue to bless you all.

  • Robin says:

    Hey Cindy-
    What does a “normal divorce” look like, anyway? In our extended family, our children have four grandfathers! Yup- four! That’s because my hubby’s mom and dad got a divorce when he was little when his dad finally decided he had to be who he was- and came out as gay. Fast forward 30 years, and our kids now have my dad as Grandpa, Tim’s mom’s new(ish) husband as Papa, Tim’s Dad as Bonpa (the Belgian word for Grandpa) and Tim’s Dad’s partner as Avohzino (the Brazilian name for Grandpa).

    Tim’s mom and dad are still very close friends, and the four (mom, dad, stepdad and partner) all see each other on major holidays and for long summer vacations. I know it took time for his parents to heal, but it was worth it! And as far as my kids will ever know- this is normal. And why shouldn’t it be?!

  • Joey fortman says:

    WOW!! I totally needed this today. You amaze me more and more, Cindy. God brought you into my life for a reason. You’re amazing & a gift to anyone who meets you!

  • Teresa Caldwell says:

    Cindy, this is wonderful and divorces should be like this. Most of the time when a couple divorce
    the dad divorces the child or children, too. God bless you and your family.

  • Ashley Davis says:

    You are all amazing! Jesus really does shine thru each of you!

  • Kristen says:

    That’s how my ex and I do divorce. Divorced 9 years and have two boys. Friends before and friends after the divorce. Well, after the pain of it all subsided. I even encouraged him to ask out an old neighbor who was single. They are now married and have a baby and she and I are great friends. I applaud you and all those who work at their relationship even after the divorce.

  • Michele says:

    Divorce is something no one ever wants to have to go through but it doesn’t have to be hatred. So many times you hear about all the fights and drama with divorce. It happens, it’s real and people need to forgive and move on. You have a connection with your ex because of your child and fortunately for all of you, you have made it work. God Bless you and all your inspiring messages. You are a survivor and a hero in my eyes!

  • Tami says:

    Good job, Mama Cindy! It takes a big person to find the positive in the most complex and difficult situations we face in life. But, it takes an even BIGGER person to say “I’m sorry”, the two hardest words in the HUMAN language to ever say (especially if we have some accountability in a matter). Lily will grow up to be a well-balanced, well-loved, and well-adjusted young woman, all because the most important adults in her life love her more than they love themselves. Clap-clap-clap! Proud of you all!!

  • Michelle Griffin says:

    I didn’t divorce my ex because he was a jerk. I divorced him because I didn’t love him the way I wanted to love someone and the way he deserved to be loved. Of course we initially didn’t get along well. His family stopped talking to me too. None of us knew how to handle things. Then we began to realize that it needn’t be ugly. We have both since remarried and I see him and his wife all the time as we gather to support our children. (My husband…well, not so much. lol But that’s okay, this way of being isn’t his cup of tea.) Not long ago I even thought about how I would miss my ex and his wife when in a few years as the kids get older, I won’t see them as much. I think it’s awesome and let me just say that I think you are doing far more than surviving mommy, you are thriving mommy.

  • wendy says:

    My brother and his wife divorced when their two kids were young. They have still stayed good friends all these years, and always got together at the holiday and birthdays for the kids sake. They are both remarried now and still good friends. My brother is on his 3rd wife, and she is enormously jealous of wife #1. Don’t know why, since she is remarried, and her husband and my brother are good friends.

  • Teresa Kick says:

    I so admire you in everything you do Cindy. You have gone through so much and yet you make it work and come out on top. It’s so wonderful for Lily that you all have been able to do this, and I’m sure your heart feels better and lighter with that peace. Keep on rockin girl, you got this life going on.

  • Susan says:

    My exhusband and I divorced when my daughter was 6 months old. It was so hard at first, we didn’t like each other at all and wanted to pull her back and forth. It is so hard not to feel the dislike toward them. The way it turned around was the attorney we had, yes we had only my attorney, told us that we had one thing in common for the rest of our lives and it was her and donor ever forget it. Since that day, she is now 28, is married, given away by both her dad and stepdad because the same as you, we made sure he was involved in everything. Even with him being in SC, I would drive and hour and so would he to meet for11 years. It is just what you do. Keep doing what you are doing!!!

  • Kim says:

    Thanks for the advice on the book, I received mine in the mail today!!! I can’t wait to start reading it!!! Thanks so much!!!!

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